


Trust me Sammy or five reasons Dean doesn’t have a dick

by MrSquirrel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: FTM Dean, Gen, Pre-Series, Trans Character, dean is great at bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26401408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrSquirrel/pseuds/MrSquirrel
Summary: Five reasons Dean doesn’t have a dick
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57





	Trust me Sammy or five reasons Dean doesn’t have a dick

**Author's Note:**

> Just so y’all know these are all for real things I heard growing up.

He forgot to zipp

“Sam! Zipp it up before the birds get it, son.” Dad hollered at him as they drug their stuff in the run down little house. 

“Dean! Dean! Is that what happened to you?!” Sam whisper-yelled to his brother, zippering up just as fast as he could.

“Yep,” the ten year old said solemnly, “Remember when we where staying in Wyoming last summer? Well I was watering the trees when out of nowhere this woodpecker the size of a dog swooped down. It was huge!” He motioned, “ It tried to grab me so I went in with a bionic elbow. Pow! And it backed off some but then swooped in again! And that time it took my thing so I raced after it but you’ve seen how fast those thing are right? And it—“

“Boys are you coming?” Dad hollered from the door way before Dean could really get into his story.

Five months and a long car ride latter Dean had forgotten all about his supposed run in with the woodpecker of doom but Sam hasn’t and didn’t think he ever would. Sam had been doing his I gotta go I gotta go right now shimmy in the back seat for probably fifty miles now when Dad offered to pull over.

“No sir, I’m fine. I’ll wait for the next gas stop.” 

“Sam if you pee on these seats you’ll be scrubbing them with your tooth brush. I’ll just pull over. Nobody’s watching” Dad said wondering when Sam had gotten so shy.

“But-but wood peckers live in trees!!” He sobbed waving to the scraggly tree line around yet another field of cows.

“And what’s so bad about woodpeckers, Sammy?” He said looking over at Dean.

“They swoop down and steal peepees. You told me I had to zip or they’ll steal it like they got Dean!” Sam cried fearing both for his junk and his toothbrush.

“Sam do you really think me or Dean would ever let a woodpecker get you?”   


“But even the bionic elbow wouldn’t beat a woodpecker! Dean told me.”

Dad looked at Dean before trying to reason, “Well the Marines taught me a super secret woodpecker whoopin’ move. Ok? And I’ve taught it Dean. I’ll even show you when your bigger ok?”

Sam nodded feeling a whole lot better now that he knew that Dad and Dean where part of a top secret woodpecker whoopin’ task force.

“So you’ll get out and pee now?” Dad ask hopefully.

He didn’t eat his veggies 

It was a hot muggy summer night in Sun Rise, Mississippi where one Dean Winchester was hare’s breath away from beating his brother. Dad was working late again so he was in charge of supper. Their current neighbors had left them with a good mountain of zucchini and a odd sprinkling of tomatoes and Dean would be dammed if they where wasting food.

“Sammy just eat it.” He begged.

“It’s slimy and gross and I don’t wantta” 

Dean sighed, “Well Sammy-boy I didn’t want to have to tell you this but remember that Doc back in Iowa? Yeah him. He said that if you don’t start eating your veggies, your balls will grow in lopsided. One’ll be real big like this and the other will be this small.” Dean held one hand as big as he could and the other so small the light wouldn’t pass though.Sam paled a bit and picked up his fork.

“Good boy,” Dean said slapping him across the back.

Dad came back that next morning to see Sam watching Scoobie Doo while gnawing on a piece of raw zucchini. 

He’s a grower

Dean coulda swore he had one more pair of underwear. He’d just got out of the shower and was moseying around the motel room looking for them. If he’d known he was out of drawers he would have happily went commando but he knew his Batman boxers where around here somewhere. He finally found them in Sam’s bag the jerk. He knew those where Deans favorite pair!

He was so excited to put them on he dropped his towel for God and all to see. And Dad. And Sammy. After he go them on he raced though the room whoopin and tackled Sammy. 

“Take that you thieving scum!” He hollered while pinning the little villian to the floor.

“Boys if your gonna wrestle go outside. With clothes Dean!” Dad commanded from the couch.

They both wandered off in search of clothes for Dean when Sammy ask the question.

“Hey Dean, where’d your peepee go?”

“I don’t have to pee right now, dorkcula.” He responded as the walked out side.

“What does that matter?”

At the age of eleven Dean was fast on track to become master of bullshit, “Well some people’s grow when it fills up with pee. Other peoples show and stay the same size even when they don’t have to go. Okay?”

Sam nodded and they went to wrestling on the dusty grass behind the motel.

Lost it in a fight

When John Winchester walked into Rainy Valley Elmentery School to see his youngest boy scraped up and two other boys bruised up underneath the feeling of “why God why” there was a smattering of pride.

After a quick word with the secretary he was shaking hands with a stubby bald man over a coffee stained oak desk.

“I’m glad you could make it. Now to be frank I don’t know what I’m heavens names got into Sammy. All the teachers say he’s bright boy but he’s just gotten into a play yard brawl with half the class.” The principal smiled out.

“Oh only see two other boys out there Jack. He wasn’t so bad,” John tried joking.

“Mr. Winchester we have three more in the nurses office. I understand a bit of scufflin’ but your boy was well outta bounds.”

“Well what started the fight?”

“I can’t get heads or tails of it from any of the boys. It seems like the rest of em are scared to talk,” the man said frowning.

“Would you mind giving me a moment with Sam. To see if we can get to the bottom of this?”

The principle sent Sam in and at closer inspection he was limping, had his knees and hands scuffed up and his lip busted like a water balloon,

“Now Sam you know I don’t like you boys fighting at school so now tell me why you did it.”

Sammy looked up at him big eyes shining and said “They called Dean a lair, Dad.”

“They did now? I’m glad that you’re willing to stick up for your brother but you can’t be causing trouble,” Dad said then he paused for a second,” What did they say he was lieing about?”

“Well they where wrastling and I just warned em about kicking their balls off,” 

“What?”

“You know how if you kick a guy there real hard it’ll make his balls fall off. Like grapes. Dean told me about it.” Sam said with the innocent only a eight year old could muster.

Dad just ruffled the kids hair an sighed, Dean was gonna need a talking to about what should and should not be told to Sammy.

He jerked off to much

Sam was thirteen almost fourteen and was going for Olympic times for longest shower. Dean hadn’t had a hot or even lukewarm shower since well he can’t even remember. He thought it was past time for something to happen. 

At first he tried the hinderance method. He tried hiding his soap. He tried moving the towels but nothing would deter Sam. Sam was get a bit old for it but Dean was resorting to the tried and true method of lying his ass off.

“Hey Sam, sit down I need to talk to you buddy.”

“What Dean?” He sighed.

“ Sam this is gonna be awkward to talk about but bear with me,” he started trying to make it sound good, “but you’ve been spending to much time in the shower. I know it feels good but if you do it to much you can injure things.”

“Dean are you trying to say don’t jerk off so much I’ll break my dick?”

“I was trying to break it to you gently, asslicker.”

“That doesn’t really happen.” Sam rolled his eyes.

“It does to! You know how you told me that deer can fuck themselves to death? Yeah, well I looked it up their balls fall off first and it can happen to people too!” “Whatever.” Sam said and walked off, but he did take shorter showers. For a few weeks.. 


End file.
